Current location:	On the grass outside
Current mood:	creative
Current music:	Grackles
Entry tags:	greek novel, icons

Also, Get Yourself a Cool Author Name Like Kitticus
Step one:

Establish the two main characters. Naturally, they must both be breathtakingly gorgeous. Actual specific details to establish the veracity of claims for their beauty are optional; mainly endless repetition by any other person/slave/deity/nearby rock will suffice.

Remember, "Beauty's only skin deep" is just something ugly people say to make themselves feel better.

Step two:

Arrange for the two characters to meet. Festivals are handy for this, although worshipping at a temple will do as well. Subtlety is to be ignored at all costs: Venus always has a temple nearby.

After seeing each other, the two fall hopelessly in love and grow deathly ill until only the sight of the other can make them well again. Have the parents wringing their hands and wondering what to do. For an additional twist, have them consult an oracle: Apollo always has a temple nearby.

If the oracle says something ominous, have the parents and lovebirds cheerfully ignore the threat. Instead, throw the two together and hint that they will live happily ever after.

Step three:

Shatter those last expectations you established. What kind of story is that?

The two lovebirds are swept away onto a ship, where they cry and pray to various gods. Have the crew threaten to sell the two into slavery. More crying ensues. They swear a pact and are separated.

Step four:

Whenever the plot starts to stagnate, have some person/slave/deity/nearby rock fall in love with one of the two (sexual orientation optional) and take them to safety.

Step five:

There will always, always be pirates.

Step six:

Whenever the plot starts to stagnate, feel free to use your imagination. Perhaps an agressive female wants to have sex with your main character--have someone fall in love with him and rescue him! Maybe some barbarians need the girl for a virgin sacrifice--have someone fall in love with her and rescue her! A lion escapes from a nearby gladiator practice and wants to eat Guy/Girl--someone falls in love with him/her and leaps to the rescue!

The possibilities are endless.

Step seven:

For fun, have a bad guy turn into a good guy halfway through. This is easily done by having the main character recap the entire story up until this point, whereupon the Guy Formerly Known as Bad admits to a homosexual love affair he had with a gorgeous youth a long time ago.

Pick an ending for the youth: he (a) drowns, (b) is captured by pirates, (c) falls off his horse and dies, (d) is eaten by sharks, or (e) all of the above.

The possibilities are endless.

Step eight:

If you start to write yourself into a corner and run out of handy bandits, have no fear. Simply have one of the characters fake their own death (note: the other must hear about their untimely demise; ignore the fact they haven't received any information about the other up until this point). This plot device might seem a little contrived, but years later, a British playwright will be shamelessly stealing it to write a play that will bring misery and boredom to thousands of high school freshmen.

Sadly, he omits the pirates.

Step nine:

Cover your eyes and point to one of Steps 2-9. Repeat. Feel free to do this as often as needed.

Step ten:

When you find yourself growing bored with the story, wrap it all up nicely by miraculously having the two characters end up in the same place at the same time. The key here is that geography is something that happens to other people; never mind that they've been two miles away from each other previously and couldn't locate each other, when they're 20,000 miles apart they will still both end up in a temple at the same time.

Have them meet and recap the story again, for those readers who weren't paying attention the first time around. Killing off the parents is optional, but provides that critical drama to an otherwise happy ending.

A note: Years later, scholars will find your story and think that just because it's written in Greek, it's fine literature. Shamelessly abuse this preconception.

Have fun writing!


On an actual note, I want to replace some of my icons to establish a theme. I like this one, my barefoot one, and the footsie one, but the others, not so much.